THESE REALLY WORK!!
AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
PUSH MODELS
Showing posts with label Daily giggle. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Daily giggle. Show all posts
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Sunday, February 1, 2009
IF YOU NEED TO FEEL INTELLEGENT
'Half this game is ninety percent mental.' --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
Monday, January 26, 2009
HAPPY MONDAY
If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius...
'Smoking kills...If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,'- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,'-Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward .
'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,'--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
'That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,'--A congressional candidate in Texas
HAAAHAHAHAHA!
'Smoking kills...If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,'- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,'-Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward .
'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,'--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
'That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,'--A congressional candidate in Texas
HAAAHAHAHAHA!
Saturday, January 24, 2009
KINDA FUNNY, KINDA NOT
If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius...
(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.) Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?Answer: 'I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,'--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
'Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.'--Mariah Carey
(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.) Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?Answer: 'I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,'--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
'Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.'--Mariah Carey
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
DARWIN AWARDS 2009 HONORABLE MENTIONS II
Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.
Check out the honorable mentions:
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
Check out the honorable mentions:
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
DARWIN AWARDS 2009
Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here is the glorious winner:
When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
Monday, January 19, 2009
DARWIN AWARDS 2009 - HONORABLE MENTIONS
Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.
Check out the honorable mentions:
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
Check out the honorable mentions:
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
ROCKY POINT FUNNIES
Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.
Check out the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine, and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine, and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
Check out the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine, and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine, and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
BE PREPARED TO LAUGH - LAST GIGGLES OF 2008
Ok, if you've ever been to Sea Fari and had to use the restroom, I apologize. Lea and I assigned the guys bathroom duty, and to them that just means to replace the empty toilet paper roll when the women tell them to do so.
Just to let you know that as of today, we're one bottle of anti bacterial soap away from almost having a normal bathroom - I scrubbed the toilet so I could sit down on it! I put bleach, then fabuloso, then some other scary chemical I can't pronounce...when I saw the seat melting from chemical burns, I thought "that's good enough" and wiped the foaming, sparking concoction off, and so far, I have no weird rash on my back side.
I also flushed with my hand for the first time...strange, I know, but there were spots of some unGodly substance on it...now, thanks to non FDA "approved for household or office use" chemicals that they probably clean the space ships with, we have a half way clean bathroom!!!
Feel free to sit down next time, if need be...
Just to let you know that as of today, we're one bottle of anti bacterial soap away from almost having a normal bathroom - I scrubbed the toilet so I could sit down on it! I put bleach, then fabuloso, then some other scary chemical I can't pronounce...when I saw the seat melting from chemical burns, I thought "that's good enough" and wiped the foaming, sparking concoction off, and so far, I have no weird rash on my back side.
I also flushed with my hand for the first time...strange, I know, but there were spots of some unGodly substance on it...now, thanks to non FDA "approved for household or office use" chemicals that they probably clean the space ships with, we have a half way clean bathroom!!!
Feel free to sit down next time, if need be...
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
GET YOUR LAUGH ON...
This is undeniably the FUNNIEST thing I have heard, and will hear all day:
"...oh sh**, I flew to Wellington for a week, talk about party...I danced till dawn, fell out of a club at daylight, got half an hours sleep in two days, lost my voice completely for 2 day, just air comming out, so funny..."
If your NYE party binge doesn't sound something like this (and you're under 50) you aren't having enough fun!
*Big ups to New Zeland, who sees the New Year before ANY of us...it's been called "tomorrowland" more than once!* Love you Michele!
"...oh sh**, I flew to Wellington for a week, talk about party...I danced till dawn, fell out of a club at daylight, got half an hours sleep in two days, lost my voice completely for 2 day, just air comming out, so funny..."
If your NYE party binge doesn't sound something like this (and you're under 50) you aren't having enough fun!
*Big ups to New Zeland, who sees the New Year before ANY of us...it's been called "tomorrowland" more than once!* Love you Michele!
Saturday, December 20, 2008
PREPARE TO LAUGH
A burglar broke into a Christian Family's home one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables; when he heard, a strange voice echoing from the dark saying, 'Jesus is watching you.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. After awhile when he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as abell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice and finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he whispered to the parrot."Yep," the parrot squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? And what is your name?"
"Moses," replied the bird."Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler, Jesus."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. After awhile when he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as abell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice and finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he whispered to the parrot."Yep," the parrot squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? And what is your name?"
"Moses," replied the bird."Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler, Jesus."
Thursday, December 11, 2008
YOUR DAILY GIGGLE
Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I ease my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully get out of the car and open the trunk.
I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe!They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.
But to my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men.
And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their
horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind me.
He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!
'What's going on here?'
'My car has a flat tire', I said calmly.
'Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?'
I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, 'Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!'
I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe!They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.
But to my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men.
And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their
horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind me.
He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!
'What's going on here?'
'My car has a flat tire', I said calmly.
'Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?'
I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, 'Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!'
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
THERE'S SOME TRUTH IN THIS, TOO
For those who are "confused" about how a bail out works,--below is a simplifed explanation that will aid you in understanding what is going on...
Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."
Chuck replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Chuck said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Chuck said, "Sure I can...watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made $998."
The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
Chuck now leads the US bank bailout team.
Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."
Chuck replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Chuck said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Chuck said, "Sure I can...watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made $998."
The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
Chuck now leads the US bank bailout team.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
THERE'S A LITTLE TRUTH IN THIS
Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't hang out with drug-using people;
(7) don't smoke or drink,
(8) don't want to wear your clothes,
(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children...
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't hang out with drug-using people;
(7) don't smoke or drink,
(8) don't want to wear your clothes,
(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children...
Friday, November 28, 2008
WARNING LABEL OF THE DAY
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
WARNING LABEL OF THE DAY
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
Happened to your bra and panties.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
A LITTLE HEE HEE TO MAKE YOUR MORNING BRIGHT
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.'She answers, ' My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.
''Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!''
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?'' Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.'She answers, ' My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.
''Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!''
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?'' Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
Friday, October 31, 2008
JUST FUNNY STUFF
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? (think about this one!)
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will havematerialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complainedabout the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE...... The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? (think about this one!)
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will havematerialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complainedabout the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE...... The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
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