GET YOUR GIGGLE ON

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He replied, "It was an ID ten T error." I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again." Richard grinned. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?" "No," I replied. "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T I used to like the little !!@#$%*@!!

IF YOU NEED TO FEEL INTELLEGENT

'Half this game is ninety percent mental.' --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

HAPPY MONDAY

If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius...

'Smoking kills...If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,'- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,'-Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward .

'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,'--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

'That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,'--A congressional candidate in Texas

HAAAHAHAHAHA!

KINDA FUNNY, KINDA NOT

If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius...

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.) Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?Answer: 'I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,'--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

'Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.'--Mariah Carey

DARWIN AWARDS 2009 HONORABLE MENTIONS II

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Check out the honorable mentions:

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

DARWIN AWARDS 2009

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here is the glorious winner:
When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

DARWIN AWARDS 2009 - HONORABLE MENTIONS

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Check out the honorable mentions:

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

ROCKY POINT FUNNIES

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Check out the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine, and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine, and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

GET YOUR LAUGH ON...

This is undeniably the FUNNIEST thing I have heard, and will hear all day:

"...oh sh**, I flew to Wellington for a week, talk about party...I danced till dawn, fell out of a club at daylight, got half an hours sleep in two days, lost my voice completely for 2 day, just air comming out, so funny..."

If your NYE party binge doesn't sound something like this (and you're under 50) you aren't having enough fun!

*Big ups to New Zeland, who sees the New Year before ANY of us...it's been called "tomorrowland" more than once!* Love you Michele!

PREPARE TO LAUGH

A burglar broke into a Christian Family's home one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables; when he heard, a strange voice echoing from the dark saying, 'Jesus is watching you.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. After awhile when he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as abell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice and finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he whispered to the parrot."Yep," the parrot squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? And what is your name?"
"Moses," replied the bird."Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler, Jesus."

YOUR DAILY GIGGLE

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I ease my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully get out of the car and open the trunk.
I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe!They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.
But to my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men.
And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their
horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind me.
He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!
'What's going on here?'
'My car has a flat tire', I said calmly.
'Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?'
I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, 'Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!'

THERE'S SOME TRUTH IN THIS, TOO

For those who are "confused" about how a bail out works,--below is a simplifed explanation that will aid you in understanding what is going on...

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."
Chuck replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Chuck said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Chuck said, "Sure I can...watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made $998."
The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
Chuck now leads the US bank bailout team.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.

He stopped and asked the boy, 'Where did you get that turkey?'

The boy replied, 'What turkey?'

The game warden said, 'That turkey you're carrying under your arm.'

The boy looks down and said, 'Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!'

The game warden said, 'Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you. If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?'

The little boy said, 'I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!'

LAUGH - YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO

Okay, OKAY! I know you'd rather see pictures of Seafari's epic voyage to San Felipe, but I was reading Perez Hilton (yes, again!) and I just laughed SO hard, I thought I'd share this with you:

Oprah said, "It has been the gifts that cost the least amount of money that mean the most to me" for the two seconds before she promptly dumps them in the garbage and then shuffles around her estate in slippers that cost more than your life."

They say the stretched truth is funnier than anything you totally make up.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have never a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!

**Thanks Amy ;) shout out to San Antonio!**

SO YOU CAN GIGGLE A LITTLE

Best Menopause Question Ever/or the Mom Who Has Had Enough

Q: How many women does it take to change a light bulb?

Woman's Answer: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the stupid light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIESOUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THATARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !!

I'm sorry. What was the question?

DAILY GIGGLE

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!' The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

KINDA FUNNY, KINDA NOT

The San Diego Padres really manned it up the other day on the field...

Hot.

THINK ABOUT IT, MEN...

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while 

his wife stayed home. 
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

'Dear Lord: 
I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife 

merely stays at home. 
I want her to know what I go through. 
So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. 
Amen!'

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. 
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. 
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
Awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, 
Took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then, it was already 1P.M, and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. 

He ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home, set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework. 

Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. 

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the chops, and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper, 
He cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. 
At 09 P.M . he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint. 

The next morning, he awoke and immediately 

knelt by the bed and said: -
'Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back. 

Amen!'
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: 
'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night.' 

GET YOUR LAUGH ON

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?' 
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma .'

And they say blondes are dumb...